Forgiveness is a idea that everyone must grapple with at some point in their life. Some more than others. And some lucky few, possibly very little. Whether it’s forgiveness for one’s self or forgiveness to… More
I’ve come to a conclusion lately on what it takes to live a well balanced, happy life in our relationships. A life in which one can feel satisfied, fulfilled and heart-happy. It boils down to simply choosing the feelings you want to feel yourself and making those your priority in every situation. Giving those feelings to others, reflecting them onto those around you, emitting them in everything you do. Not just asking for them to be given to you as a means to your own happiness…but giving them selflessly to others and living them unconditionally.
Like all things in life, this doesn’t mean that some situations are not going to feel crappy every now and then. But if all situations are viewed from the internal looking glass of happy and we work to maintain that positive head space, not only will we receive back what we’re reflecting outward, we won’t find ourselves in the place where we’re judging someone else or are dissatisfied with the way someone else is treating us. It simply won’t matter. When you choose happy yourself, other people’s unhappiness cannot affect you. Ideally though, your choice of the positive will be the inspiration to them, affecting how THEY feel.
Sound tough? Maybe. But the only reason it becomes difficult to look at life this way is because we’re looking at it from an ego point of view. ‘What am I getting out of this situation?’, ‘Look what they are doing me ME‘. Our ego is asking these questions and will ultimately drive us to a negative place. A place where we might believe there’s been some wrong-doing towards us from the other person or that we have some control over how others treat us and their opinions. And we all should know by now that we don’t. We have no control over others thoughts and feelings. Zero! But what we DO have control over is ourselves, our perceptions, the energy we put into our relationships. We can absolutely affect how others may view themselves in their relationship with us, which can have a significant impact on the quality of that relationship.
Only by being a positive source, by being the one who doesn’t think of the ME in the situation but thinks of the US, can we possibly change someone else’s head space from a combative one to that of a cooperative and caring one. Think about it…if you feel someone is listening and caring about what you have to say, are you not more likely to reflect the same back to them? Are you not likely to be far less combative, more cooperative in your reactions? I believe yes!
Life example: currently my partner and I have differing opinions on a certain topic. The subject matter is irrelevant, but let’s just say the topic is an emotional one. It could easily be something that could derail us and possibly change our dynamic. The discussions surrounding it have been challenging, sometimes awkward and not entirely enjoyable. But our relationship is super solid. And although we have disagreements, possibly even arguments, we always manage to do so in a very constructive manner. A supportive manner. One in which we show the other that we’re listening to them, hear them and support them. We show one another that we are on each other’s side, we’ve got each other’s back. As Jay Shetty says ‘In relationships, you’re not fighting against one another, you’re a team. You’re fighting for one another.’
This positive way of thinking really changes the way you hold ‘arguing’ and hold the importance of another human being you love. Our discussions have been presented in a safe manner, a loving manner and we both are working to understand the others side. A methodology, or way of being, that I believe can truly change ones own mindset in something. You see and feel the importance of the subject from your partners point of view, which can make you think ‘Is being bullheaded on my point really that beneficial to me? To us?’ The answer may be yes or no…but what tends to happen is, because you are both working as a team FOR your relationship, you both move forward, not getting stuck in your ego. Together you find a new place in the matter where you can BOTH be happy and satisfied with the outcome.
When you fight ‘for’ each other it naturally comes from a positive, happy place. One can’t fight on the ‘for’ side of something and be against. Anything you do FOR another person is a gift, a positive presence. One that is then returned to you by the way they feel in it. Have you ever experienced how it feels to cheer someone on in a race and how exciting it is when they cross that finish line and are beaming with pride? You yourself take on some of that excitement and pride and actually FEEL IT! This is how we should view all of our situations in a relationship. Feeling the excitement of seeing our partner successfully ‘cross the finish line’. Wanting that success for them more than needing to tell them all the ways in which we might have done it differently.
They may have ran that race in a very unconventional manner, in our opinion. A way that we wouldn’t have done it ourselves, but it’s not up to us, it’s their race to run. It’s up to us to support them in their methods and ideas because they are striving to achieve their own success, not our success. In this scenario, the positive feeds the positive, which, if you’ve ever been in an inspiring situation you know that positive plus positive can ignite such incredible feelings of love, value and worth. It can quite literally fuel you for a very long time and inspire you to do things you might otherwise have never considered doing. So imagine we do that all day long? Feeding positive in others. Fueling them and subsequently ourselves, over and over. The impact on us can be nothing but positive because we’re not getting caught in the weeds of negativity. The impact on them will likely be one of feeling valued, listened to and important.
Very often when you have a point of view in your life that you feel strongly about, and possibly your partner differs, it can turn into an emotionally fueled situation. What really helps is to take a few steps back and actually see their struggles, their reasons for their own decisions. ‘Put yourself in their shoes’ is a very old adage, but so important in a relationship. It places you in a position of empathy, to see past your own self-focused views. If we are always fighting for our own beliefs, how can we consider ourselves a partner? If we only ever think that our ways are the right ways, how is that a partnership? When one is constantly looking to satisfy their own ego in a relationship, they are coming from a place of insecurity and fear. And an ego driven, insecure partner is not a partner. It takes confidence to be able to consider someone else’s point of view. It also takes love. But one thing I’ve learned in my life is that love IS confidence.
Confidence in your system of beliefs, confidence in your ability to prosper without the fear of losing…and confidence in your bond with your partner. Confidence to put all of your own shit aside and fight for them. Because ultimately that’s fighting for both of you!
Every now and then we find ourselves in a place where we feel so passionately about our own opinion but feel like we’re not being heard. We want to fight for it. But realistically, how many times did you successfully come out of that scenario, fighting to be heard, feeling like you achieved something? Feeling good about the result? Chances are, very few. I would estimate that more often than not people come out of these situations feeling angry, dissatisfied and frustrated (even if they do feel like ‘they’ve won’). I can also guess that their partner did not come out of it feeling loved, supported and positive about themselves either. And there’s no ‘winning’ in having a partner feel like that. Remember, it’s a team! Everyone should come out on top. Together! There’s not a person on the planet that doesn’t feel the love when someone chooses to fight along side of them. So we can never consider it ‘winning’ when our partner feels beat down, deflated and anything but elevated and loved.
Relationships aren’t about the ‘I’s’, they are about the ‘us’es’. We are all going to have disagreements in life, we’re human! Walking into those situations, fully loaded with frustration and anger isn’t going to solve anything. But walking into them knowing that you are choosing the happy, choosing the other person and supporting them, choosing to be a team, will result in a very different ending.
And when your team has positive results, multiple wins, over and over…that’s what changes the mindset. Repetition can change the neuro pathways in our brains to view things more positively, training our minds to choose happy. Happy then becomes less of a conscious choice, it becomes an automatic, subconscious decision. Choosing happy then becomes a regular part of who you are…and becomes the beautiful looking-glass you make the decisions to see life through.